Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
