Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
