if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
please come you make the beer taste better
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
