I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
