Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize