I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
