OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
