my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize