I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
