I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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