I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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