Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
