just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize