walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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