I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
