We're facebook friends in real life
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
