So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize