My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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