Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
