Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize