you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
