this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
