I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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