Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
