just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
