yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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