You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
