Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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