i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize