Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
