Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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