I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
