Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
