I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
