I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
apparently the secret to your success is patron
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize