turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
