What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize