We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
