Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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