The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
