She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
