can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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