So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize