Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
