even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
im on a boat
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