I heard we made out
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
