Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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