Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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