Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
