he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize