just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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