theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
