You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
