is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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