she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize