She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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