he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
