Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
