i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
