Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
and you fell through a lawn chair
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
