Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
