i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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