Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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